Dodging Tomatoes
Who knew that my “99 Problems” post would turn out to be so problematic? This last week was the busiest my little ol’ blog has been in a long time. My seemingly harmless post (about music choices in the car) apparently sparked a firestorm. A reader, who I don’t know, left some pretty accusatory remarks about my decision to leave my husband.
Even though the comments were from a woman I don’t know, who doesn’t know me, it made me feel a little like Fozzie Bear when his audience would hurl tomatoes at him on stage. Her accusations simply weren’t true–they were just squishy, messy distractions.
I didn’t just “throw my family away.” But sometimes it takes a stranger telling you are a “failure” to make you even more resolute.
Like I mentioned in my comment to this certain reader, I am totally open to dissenting opinions–I truly believe that this blog SHOULD be a conversation. And that’s why I put myself out there. I just ask my readers to keep an open mind. What’s right for me and my girls might not be what’s right for you. And therein lies the beauty of it all–I get to call the shots in my own life.
Nobody knows what happened in my marriage except me and him. Divorce is a big freakin’ deal I am not taking lightly.
The amazing part of all of this was how quickly my friends (and readers, too) came to my defense. So many jumped right in to stick up for me including my Tri Delta sisters and former CSULB classmates, previous roommates and coworkers, fellow members of the BLOGfia, moms I know, Facebook friends, my boss–and even a few dudes.
I know I mention it often, but I really do have an AMAZING village of people holding me (and my girls) up right now. There has been, and will continue to be, an outpouring of support from those who know me best, and still love me IN SPITE of it. No matter what.
In every experience there’s an important lesson. The lesson here is that I can take a hit and keep going. And, regardless of the fact that she called my writing passion-less, I will continue to share my experiences here on this website.
So go ahead, hide behind a keyboard and pelt tomatoes at me. It’s going to take a lot more than some random woman (from an IP address in Santa Ana, of course, I looked) to get the best of me. Bring it.
.
October 25th, 2010 at 10:51 pm
I’m so impressed by how positive and thoughtful you have been through this process. You are a seriously strong woman that has been through more than i can imagine. I love that you are still smiling and still optimistic. talk about making lemonade when your given lemons!
October 26th, 2010 at 12:20 am
Yeah!
October 26th, 2010 at 12:32 am
Bravo. Great Post. When I see you next I CANNOT wait to giggle about this judgey judgey individual. I stand behind you in your tribe.
October 26th, 2010 at 4:21 am
You say you are open to disenting opinions and you believe this should be a conversation. It seems that you are, in fact, not open to any disenting opinions. If the opinon is something that you don’t want to hear, or different than your divorce cheering friends, you take it as being called a failure or accusatory. I’m not accusing you, or calling you a failure. I only wanted to give a disenting opinion after reading your friends cheering you on towards a divorce. When all you hear is “Yeah” “Team Pam” cheering you on, on something so life changing, it makes it sound like a game, When it’s not, and it just rubbed me the wrong way! I’m sorry if you feel that I’m throwing tomatoes, because I gave a pro-marriage & pro family opinion. Sorry if I saw something that other’s didn’t. They know you, I don’t. You must have loved each other when you took your vows. I guess I just like to see love endure. Somehow that makes me a hater. Maybe I should of said sadness, instead of lacking passion in your writing. After reading your posts and your bio….
“Rob-your- most-of-the time best friend”, and seeing your seemingly happy family pictures, of you, your husband, and adorable girls, the mom in me just had to say something that wasn’t cheering you on towards what could be the biggest mistake of your life. I’d do the same with my own married children. Having two small children so close together is stressful, plus you work full time, I know it isn’t easy, it puts a lot of stress on a marriage. My daughter is a doctor, her husband a lawyer. They both work long hours. ( She just graduated from residency in June, so much better hours now) I drive over a 100 miles a day to watch my granddaughters because my daughter only wants me to take care of the girls & I also want to be with them to make sure they are well cared for, and make their life a little less stressful. My granddaughter’s bring me so much joy, I forget about the hours spent in traffic, once I see those beautiful little faces. My youngest granddaughter would hide my shoe, keys, or purse, so when it was time for me to leave, so I couldn’t.
Your right, I don’t know your circumstances. I’m sure you have tried marriage counseling. It sounds like you truly meant and believed, the vows you took, before god, your family and friends. From the sound of it, how your “team” and your “village” is cheering you on, (I find it disturbing, to cheer for a divorce) he must have cheated, or been abusvive. To me, that would be the only reason not to try to save a marriage. All marriages have problems, it takes effort on both sides. If you marry again, you will have problems, different person, different problems. Yes, I live in Santa Ana, a couple blocks from South Coast Plaza. I attend services at Calvary Chapel, near my home on Sunflower. I read in your blog that you also used to live in Santa Ana, until recently. Maybe we were neighbors. God bless you, and your family.
October 26th, 2010 at 4:33 am
That would be a dissenting opinion. Wireless keyboard needs new batteries.
October 26th, 2010 at 9:59 am
Oh Becky. You don’t get it do you?
I think you are flushing out a whole lotta regret about your life/parenting decisions by commenting on this little blog.
Trust me. You are in no position to judge this woman’s decision to divorce. NO POSITION. You have no idea what happened. And despite her being forthcoming about revealing the divorce, you will never know what really happened. Ever.
I am fascinated by people who think they can judge their ‘neighbors’. Something is broken there.
Becky I encourage you to come visit my blog and leave this one alone. You will find endless parts of my life I am certain you will disagree with…since it sounds like (ahem) you made every perfect decision in life. WOW a daughter who is a doctor and married to a lawyer! Who isn’t even raising her own children? Clearly she doesn’t HAVE to work. Of course she didn’t HAVE to have children either.
UGH.
October 26th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
I’m a reader who found you after an OC Family article. I rarely ever comment on blogs but I was so offended by Becky I had too.
Becky –
I’m a married mother of 2 and am so offended by the antagonizing tone of your comments. I think you really need to step back and read them again. I never felt she was cheering on or being caviler about divorce. Perhaps you feel the need to lash out here with grievances you have with society as a whole? You may want to reframe your advice and be clear about your intention. If you were really trying to help, your message was completely lost under a cloud of hostility. So if your comments only add irritation, are you adding any value? Is this the approach Jesus took?
October 26th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Becky- I wanted to awknowledge your point in that divorce is not something to be cheered. I certainly don’t think Pam is cheering about the fact that she is getting divorced. But we, her “peeps” (Pam- if I can be so bold to include myself in that crowd) are simply supporting a friend making a difficult choice in a dificult situation. The circumstances shouldn’t matter to anyone but Pam and her family. Congratulations to you for raising a successful daughter and for being such a wonderful grandmother. I’d think you’d know better than anyone that the most important thing you can do for your kids (and anyone else for that matter) is be a pillar of support in the most difficult of times despite your level of agreement with their decision.
Pam- collect those tomatoes, and make pizza sauce! (Or some other form of deliciousness.) Heart you!
October 26th, 2010 at 3:29 pm
(Whoops left this comment on the other post…just copied and pasted it here tho…)
First off, Becky- I know Pam in a personal way and as a blogger. Believe me when I say that she has come to the decision of divorce after A LOT of soul searching and AFTER she has tried all other avenues. She wasn’t fleeting or dreamy eyed when she chose divorce.
NO ONE chooses DIVORCE because it is easy or the “next best trend.” Divorce is hard and emotionally, physically, mentally and financially draining.
I have been on both sides of this…I was a young single mom and then I met my current Hubby. We have been married for 7 yrs and together for 10yrs. My Hubby is the step-father (and ONLY father my daughter has ever known), we share a son.
Witnessing the demise of Pam’s marriage has been bittersweet…her ex is a friend of my Hubby’s and it has put both of us on different sides of this situation. I think that my Hubby sympathizes w/ Pam’s ex for a few reasons that are too personal to mention but I sympathize with Pam because as a mom, as the person who carries those children in your womb, your heartaches when they are hurt or sad. Divorce does that, it hurts and makes you sad. Being a single mom hurts and makes you sad. So if listening to Jay Z helps helps Pam to get through the difficult moments let her be. She is not “escaping” from her feelings or her situation, I think if anything she is escaping from the reminders of a love gone wrong. Why should she have to listen to love songs if they make her cry? True, she may have loved her ex once and maybe a part of her always will love him, they share children BUT loving someone and “BEING” in love with them are 2 very different things. Plus, I think it’s courageous of Pam to LOVE herself AND her daughters more than to “fake” loving someone who makes you miserable.
LOVE is not LOVE when it is one sided…
October 26th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Oh and another thing…Becky- I’m sure when you went through “I had issues early in my own marriage, however, I never wanted to end our marriage with divorce…” period, you had a “village” of some sort to support you…we (Team Pam) are NOT advocating divorce and “cheering” her on in a “misery loves company” capacity, WE are cheering her on to keep moving forward and to let her know she is NOT alone. It is difficult going through the fire when all you want is to be the best Mom and woman you can possibly be. It is hard to get through the difficulties of life and even harder when you are doing it as a single mom…Pam does NOT need someone who does NOT know her throwing salt into her wounds. She needs someone who will help her clean her wounds, bandage up the aches and help her rehabilitate the broken parts of her. She is NOT a kicking and punching bag. If you have NOTHING but judgemental accusations and bible thumping to do, please do as Jesus would do and be a true Christian…”Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
October 26th, 2010 at 6:30 pm
It seems to me that Becky lives in a utopia where nothing ever goes wrong and people never make mistakes. Some mistakes are big enough to dissolve a marriage, missy.
I suppose that you feel divorce should never be in the conversation. So when my dad became an alcoholic wife-beater, my mom should’ve thought to herself, “Well, I loved him when I took my vows! I believed that we were going to be together forever! So now when I sit here broken, thinking about leaving him, I must have become anti-marriage and anti-family. Gosh, I am a disgrace.”
YOU DON’T KNOW PAM’S SITUATION. So please don’t take the whole “pro-family, pro-marriage” stance without the details. I think the majority of the world wants love and happiness and commitment, and for her blog (and real life) fans to support her does not make us cheerleaders for the demise of the family structure. I wish Pam’s marriage worked, I really do. I remember when she got married, I remember meeting her hubby before they were even engaged, I remember spending time at their 1st house. I wanted nothing but happiness for this insanely wonderful woman. What I don’t remember is hoping for them to break up.
For you to just assume that she’s taking this lightly, and to assume that she hasn’t thought about this long and hard, just gets in my craw. We’re not on an episode of Maury Povich here. This isn’t a woman who marries and divorces like Liz Taylor. Clearly, if you’ve been a reader of hers, this isn’t a fly-by-night idea in her head. “What am I doing next Tuesday? I know! I’ll get a divorce!”
Becky, hurling accusations and making assumptions about a virtual stranger’s life choices isn’t a “dissenting opinion”. In fact, saying her friends are cheering her on is quite accusatory and inflammatory. Please go back to your glass house with your perfect daughter and leave Pam and her “non-efforts” alone.
October 26th, 2010 at 6:34 pm
Becky – Just move on already!
Pam – Your “village” – those who know your situation and know that this has been the most difficult decision in your life so far – will always stand by you and support you! You’re an amazing individual, an incredible mother and an awesome friend. Oh, and..a terrific writer!!
October 26th, 2010 at 8:37 pm
Pam – don’t listen to those who don’t know you, if all they contribute is negativity and spelling/grammatical errors. Take it from someone who’s known you for years…there’s not a bad bone in your body. Float on!